Light Bulb Search Results

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Complete list of light bulb jokes

This list contains a total of 759 jokes, counting jokes with multiple answers as one.
How many O.J. Simpson jurors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They voted it "not dark".
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
  2. Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
  3. Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental impact statement.
  4. One to do it and the other 156 to blabber to the world how they've done something better then Canadians (for once).
  5. 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct.
How many American soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. But you also need six British soldiers for them to blow up and a slew of Pentagon lawyers and spin doctors to explain "This tragic friendly fire incident".
How many Airborne Rangers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one; he stands still and the world revolves around him.
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
You wouldn't know because you weren't there, man, you weren't there!
How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they have council fires instead.
How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None of your f***ing business and have a nice day.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!
  2. Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
  3. Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
  4. Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.
  5. Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to do the work and 1 to hold the umbrella.
  2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
  3. Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
How many hippies from Oregon does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. What's a light bulb?
  2. Man, hippies don't screw, they make love!
How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out over here."
How many Alaskan men does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None of your fuckin' business, get outta my way!
  2. Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
  3. Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
  4. 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
  5. 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
How many New Jersey State Supreme Court justices does it take to change a light bulb?
15--One to change the bulb, fourteen to attempt to rehabilitate the old bulb.
How many people from Savannah does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change it, and one blue haired old lady to remark how much lovelier the old bulb was.
How many Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four, one to screw in the light bulb and three to talk about how fine the old one was.
How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West Virginia.
How many people does it take to change a light bulb in New Orleans?
Three. One to hold the ladder, the second to screw the lightbulb in, and the third to bribe the public official.
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Only one, but he has to see an American do it first.
  2. None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.
  3. Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
  4. Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two: one to screw it in, and one to see if that's how they do it in New York.
  2. Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
  3. One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria.
    Note: The Walden Galleria Mall, only an hour and a half away from the Centre of the Universe and just off the Interstate in Buffalo, New York, was the Mecca of Torontonians engaging in the old Canadian tradition of cross border shopping. On a weekend the parking lot would be so full of Ontario plates you would think that you were in Canada. Of course you could not legally return to Canada with more than $25 worth of goods for an afternoon visit and so thousands of honest, polite and industrious Canadians were turned into lowlife smugglers. The classic method for smuggling clothing was "wearing it back" and so long lines of cars containing scantily and poorly dressed Canadians would patiently queue up Sunday morning to cross into New York State and a few hours later, miraculously, in the true American tradition of rags to riches, be transformed into trendy and well attired Torontonians as they returned home satiated by an intensive afternoon of power shopping with nothing to declare to Canada Customs, leaving their rags behind to grace the dumpsters of the exotic malls of Williamsburg and Cheektawoga. This all ended with the introduction of Sunday shopping in Ontario in 1992 and the steadily declining value of the Canadian dollar. Sorry I got so long winded, but Sunday in Buffalo was fun while it lasted, even if you got caught and this joke, lame as it is, brought back a lot of memories.
How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the airport.
How many Panamanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to actually do it and the other two to get drunk and watch.
How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just fine.
How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
  2. 15. One to change the bulb, and 14 to tell him what a good batsman Geoffrey Boycott was.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Two. One says to the other, "Could you turn the light on in here Mick? It's so dark I can't see what I'm doing."
  2. Two, one to hold the lightbulb and one to drink till the room spins.
  3. 1001. One to hold the light bulb, and a thousand to push the house round.
How many drunk Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
100. One to hold the light bulb, and 99 to drink until the room starts to spin.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
  2. Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
  3. None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.
Helga, how many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Ah, is this the one about the highly-trained quality control checkers at the Löwenbräu brewery here in the beautiful city of Munich where they have to carefully check that each and every stage of the beer brewing process adheres to the Reinheitsgebot ancient brewing laws laid down in 1516 which set minimum standards for the purity of the ingredients otherwise they'd be subject to extremely enormous fines so quality control is a very important job both in terms of the quality of all the Löwenbräu beers and of course the financial good health of the company from the checking of the malted barley with the hops not forgetting the pure Bavarian spring water by any chance? What we Germans lack in humour, we make up for in our beer.
How many Belgians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.
How many Norwegians does is take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story about it...
How many Europeans does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
Who needs a light bulb when you have two suns?
Note: This joke was created after the creator saw the movie 2010.
How many Argentinians does it take to change a light bulb?
9000 and its their light bulb
How many Ukrainians from Chernobyl does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
  2. None. They just hold it up and it works.
How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
What is the greatest polish invention?
A solar powered light bulb.
How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.
How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
  2. One, and a lot of light bulbs.
  3. Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
  4. Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
One, if you aim well.
What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
Neither one is very bright.
A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers. ``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''
How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
  2. Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.
How many Ethiopians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.
How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan. (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything smell convincingly of sick.)
How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash & carry.
How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
  2. 8; 2 to break down the door and kill the family, 5 to loot the house, and one to change the bulb.
How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the world!!
How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.
How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was burnt out in the first place.
How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. Australians can find beer in a dark fridge.
  2. Two. One to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
  3. 16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say "Good on yer, mate!"
How many New Zealanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
How many Prince Edward Islanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None, if it's winter. No one wants to lose their pougy (unemployment insurance).
  2. 65,000 people for thirteen weeks (in the summer) then quit and go on pougy for the rest of the year!
How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
  2. Two. One to change it, and another one to take the credit.
  3. Two. One to hold a press conference to inform the public that everything possible is being done to ratify the situation while another one screws the light bulb into the water faucet.
  4. Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible.
How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
  2. None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.
How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
  2. Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb.
How many government officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One Republican, ten Democrats, and the Supreme Court - to determine its constitutionality.
How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
Less and less all the time.
How many believable, competent, "just right for the job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "light bulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the light bulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about light bulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
None, they like to keep him in the dark.
How long does it take Dan Quayle to change a light bulb?
A long time. He's got to learn to spell before he can read the instructions on the box.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making light bulbs free.
  2. None -- He'll only promise "change."
  3. Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Note: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Note: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
How many Oliver Norths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hell, how can he? He sold all the light bulbs to Iran.
How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a light bulb in or not!
(Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for a seat in the Senate for Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.)
How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his light bulb to Iran.
How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. What light bulb?
    Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
  2. Just one - Nancy.
    Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987
How many Reaganists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None, they all just quit and go home!
  2. "Let me show you this chart!!"
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
  2. None. They assume the problem away.
  3. Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
  4. Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
  5. None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. The invisible hand does it.
  2. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
  3. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
  2. Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
  3. None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None, they only screw the poor
  2. None, they turned that responsibility over to the states.
  3. Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
  4. 900. 1 to change it and 899 to call Rush Limbaugh and complain about how the new one will ruin the nation.
How many Alan Keyes Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
More than there are.
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
How many Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They haven't got a policy on that.
How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
  2. None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
How many MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself accidentally from the flex performing a perverse sexual act involving womens underwear.
  2. I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.
How many Thatcherites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
How many John Majors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.
How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.
How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies.
How many British trades unionists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They cannot interfere with the light bulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
  2. None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
  2. One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None, that's the proletariat's work!
  2. Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
  2. Three: one who knows how to change it, one who knows how the light switch works and one to keep an eye on the dangerous intellectuals.
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"
How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?
33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.
How many nerds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. They don't have time. They are too busy taking pictures of themselves in their office.
  2. Four. One to hold the light bulb ready, one to hold the ladder, one to set up the computer, and one to log on to this web site.
How does an engineer change a light bulb?
As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !
How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
How many rocket scientist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None they just tell Marcus to do it.
How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know yet. They're still waiting on a part.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. "We'll document it in the manual."
  2. None. It's a hardware problem.
  3. One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. 
  4. if (you == "Bill Gates")
        hold(light_bulb) && let_revolve_around(world, you);
endif
  5. Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
  6. Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
  7. Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
  8. Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
  9. Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
  10. It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
  11. The change is 90% complete.
  12. We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
  13. Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the <insert name here> software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
  14. Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
How many shareware authors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. This feature is only available in registered versions.
How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's problem.
How many real programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real programmers prefer LEDs.
How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old one.
How many C programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they forgot to declare it first
How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
  2. Only one, but it takes him all night, and when he's done, the refrigerator and toilet don't work.
  3. At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"
How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.
How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?
1.00000000001
How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in their socket.
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
False.
How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
    Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
    Note: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
  2. (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...
How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "The user can work it out."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
How many computer salespeople does it take to change a light bulb?
None. You don't need a new lightbulb - you need to upgrade your socket to the '486 version.
How many software vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
  1. Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
  2. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
  3. Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
How long will it take?
That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
What if you have two dead bulbs?
They replace your fuse box.
How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question.
How many IBM staff does it take to change a light bulb?
IBM staff don't change light bulbs - they add value to photon emitter units.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
33. One to change the lightbulb and the other 32 to write 14 volumes of documentation of which half consists of pages containing only "This page left intentionally blank" and the other half definitions such as " 'bulb' can be defined as a glass and metal object with certain electrical properties (see volume IX, "The Electrical Properties Of A Bulb Used For Illumination") designed to mate with a housing integral to the ceiling referred to as a "socket" (see volume VII, "Bayonet Cap Sockets" and volume VIII, "Edison Screw Sockets"; if uncertain of the socket type please see volume II, "Lighting Sockets - A Preliminary Identification Guide")"
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
  2. Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
How many IBM tech writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
  2. 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
  2. None - with the billions of working light bulbs in the world, your odds of being next to a burned-out one are so small it will never be a problem for you.
  3. They aren't certain, everytime they do the math, they get a different number.
  4. 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
  5. Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
  6. 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them that the light bulb is not functioning per the spec.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just define darkness as an industry standard.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
  2. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
  3. Only about six or seven hundred, but it takes them at least two years because they have to see how the Apple Computer people are doing it first so they can steal the technique.
How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.
Note: Very similar to the bureaucrats joke.
How many MS tech supports does it take to change a light bulb?
"The light bulb doesn't work? You must be using a non-standard socket."
How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but why bother? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
  2. Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
  3. Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
  4. Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
  5. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
  6. Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb?
An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.
How many light bulbs does it take to screw Netscape?
Four. One for employees of non-profit organisations, one for students and educators, one for people who can read a license agreement, one for people who expect a company to keep its word.
Note: Refers to Netscape Corp., which distributed betas of their Web browser for free, announcing that the final version will be free also. Once the final version was out, they changed their mind. Only for students, educators and employees of non-profit organisations does it remain free.
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
  2. One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Read the man page!
How many Unix system vendors does it take to change a light bulb?
None. All of the light bulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such won't fit your particular implementation of the socket. (However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
How many VMS heads does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
  2. "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to light bulb version 6.1..."
How many DEC employees does it take to change a light bulb?
92 - As follows: 


2 People    -    Preliminary discussion of concept change.

1 Person    -    Devise and write formal bulb architecture.

2 People    -    Feasibility study and timetable of events.

2 People    -    Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in
                        addition to the electric utility).

1 Person    -    Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).

4 People    -    Commonality task force on bulb change.

15 People   -    Change bulb.

5 People    -    Perform bulb functional test.

2 People    -    Perform bulb load test.

3 People    -    Perform bulb regression test.

1 Person    -    Perform bulb performance analysis.

1 Person    -    Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.

1 Person    -    Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).


1 Person    -    Interface with Utilities Commission.


1 Person    -    Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when 
                        we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) 
                        BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!


5 People    -    Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) 
                        compatibility/architecture study.


3 People    -    Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows 
                        function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, 
                        flashing, flood/spot).


3 People    -    Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
                        (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket
                        (bulb-in-one).


5 People    -    Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
                        alternative bulb socket.


10 People   -    Determine how to perform bulb change product split
                        (control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation -
                        screw-in torque, recovery strategies).


1 Person    -    Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance
                        group.


1 Person    -    Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).


1 Person    -    Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.


10 People   -    Answer customer BPRs.


11 People   -    Football team to challenge bulb changers.
How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
It depends on how many burnt-out light bulbs he brought with him.
How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, They don't make Pampers small enough.
How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
  2. Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
How many managing editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!
How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Does it have to be a light bulb?
How many copyeditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.
How many proofreaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Proofreaders aren't supposed to change light bulbs. They should just query them.
How many cover artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why is there...an eggbeater, I think?...sticking out of this light fixture?
How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!
How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.
How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
1/3 as many as for a regular bulb.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to stand around bitching about it and one to go get the manager.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. They think it will grow back on its own.
  2. One, but he uses a chainsaw.
  3. They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
    Note: This is based on recent successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.
How many Dixons assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
Err. Nahh, it's MEANT to go dark after a few weeks. It's a new fangled addition. It's been developed by, er, (etc...)
How many pawnbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's of no interest to them.
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What? Go all the way up there and come back empty? You must be jokin' mate !
How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
Four - one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
  2. Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the witness.
How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Eighteen, you got a problem with that?
How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the bulb.
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
How many fighter pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one because the world revolves around him.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. It turned itself in.
  2. None, it fell down the stairs, sir.
  3. Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
How many hunters does it take to screw a light bulb into a left-handed socket?
There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right they would not be hunters.
How many hunt sabs does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
How many police does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh?)
How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
How many bailiffs does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money, and it all only takes 91 seconds!
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There never was any light bulb.
How many disaster recovery planners does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If you will all evacuate to our backup facilities in West Perth you will find that our backup bulb is already glowing brightly and was brought up only one hour after notification of failure of the primary bulb.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
  2. Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
  3. Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
  4. One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
  5. Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
  6. Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
  7. None, we contract out for things like that.
How many standards body officials does it take to change a light bulb?
Threaded or Bayonet?
How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250 watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study, and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.
How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven - two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayor's driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electrician's job to screw in light bulbs.
How many Pentagon procurement officers does it take to change a light bulb?
Look, for only $87 billion, we can put up this chain of fluorescent satellites that will illuminate the whole planet.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many NASA technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy, and they plan it for two weeks and when they finally get around to it the weather's bad so they postpone it till next week. The light bulb costs 3 million dollars.
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
  2. One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
  3. One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
  4. In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
    How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...
    In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.
    If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.
    Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
    Bibliography:
    [1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986
How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
  2. Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
  3. One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
    Note: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the light bulb is negatively or positively screwed.
How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
  2. If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
  3. The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
  2. None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
  3. One if at home, but on school time, four.
  4. On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.
How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
  2. Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Only one; but every time they see a light bulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!
  2. One - if you can find him (or her)!
How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. That's what research students are for.
  2. Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to Fourier transform the light bulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed light bulb.
How many environmental compliance professionals does it take to change a light bulb?
21, one to change the bulb, 10 to figure out how to dispose of the old one, and 10 to apply to the regulatory agencies for a disposal permit.
How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a light bulb?
Five; one to change the light bulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
How many research technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to bill the government for the house.
How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. That depends on whether it has health insurance.
  2. Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
  3. None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
  4. None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
  5. None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
  6. Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
How many dentists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the light bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
  2. Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Never let a chiropractor change a light bulb! They always twist it until it pops!
  2. Only one, but it takes nine visits.
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
How many neurophysiologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to remove the old bulb and examine it under the microscope to find out what went wrong, one to blow a tube of glass into the bulb shape, one to coil the tungsten wire filament, one to clean up the metal base of the old bulb, one to operate the vacuum pump to get rid of the air in the bulb and one to apply the glue to seal the new bulb into the old base. The new bulb won't work, of course, but the whole process uses up a lot of expensive equipment and keeps several intelligent people happily employed doing something totally useless.
How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.
How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
  2. Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty light bulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into department's workload report.
    (Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.)
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
  2. Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
  3. How long have you been having this phantasy?
  4. How many do you think it takes?
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops! I mean, er, the light bulb.
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."
How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
  2. Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
  3. 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.
How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
How many Quality managers does it take to change a light bulb?
We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable light bulbs to work smarter, not harder.
How many admin assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
None. I can't do anything unless you complete a light bulb design change request form.
How many marketing directors does it take to change a light bulb?
It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?
How many sales directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. What kind of answer did you have in mind?
  2. None-just assume it's changed.
How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. How many can you afford?
  2. It depends on how much of the building needs to be rewired.
  3. I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
  4. I can't possibly answer that question without a full study of the problem.
  5. We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Note how even with all those answers, it is still not known how many it actually takes.
How many PR people does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, but I'll get back to you on that.
Note: Believe it or not, this joke cracks up reporters because PR people try to force reporters to work their stories by talking to the PR person. Alas, the PR person never actually knows anything... so he/she is always responding as in the punchline.
How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.
  2. None. "Who needs lights?"
  3. That depends. If it's a red light, they'll all fight over it, otherwise you'd have a better chance getting them to change a $20.
How many porn actresses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, it looks like 2 of them are really doing it, but the real answer is actually none. They're just faking it.
How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. How many can you afford?
  2. None, lawyers only screw us.
  3. Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
  4. None, lawyers prefer to keep their clients in the dark.
  5. That depends... how many do you want it to take?
  6. None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following bill: 
    

         Item                            Light bulb
    

           Charge                           $2185
    

           (Itemization of bill charges)
    

             Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum)  $ 400
    

             Connectivity charge            $ 100
    

             Staff charge                   $ 250
    

             Secretary prepared bill        $   2
    

             Research fee                   $ 422
    

             Consulting fee                 $ 431
    

             Paralegal processing fees      $  25
    

             Specialized equipment          $ 122
    

             Bought bulb                    $   5
    

             Overnight express delivery     $  34
    

             Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge      $ 394
  7. It only takes one to change your bulb to his bulb.
  8. Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection !"
  9. Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.
  10. Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
  11. Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. (another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.)
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
  2. Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
  3. Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.
How many Mike Tysons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four, one to screw in the light bulb, one to rape his girlfriend, one to beat the pulp out of it when it doesn't work, and one to talk like some skinny little white fag.
How many ice skaters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in the bulb, one to hire a hitman to club the other skater on the knee.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Depends on what you want to change it into.
  2. Just one, but pretty soon they're all doing it.
    Note: This joke is funny in magic circles, and is based on the fact that magicians are quick to steal material from each other.
How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!
  2. Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling me about her cat. Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their turn signals. F***. Hey, how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....
How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In."
How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do.
How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.
How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.
How many guitarists/actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One hundred. One to screw it in and 99 to say, "Oh, I can do that."
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've done that !"
  2. 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.
How many skateboarders does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Six. One to change it, and five to stand around saying "Heeey! I could do that!"
How many rock'n'rollers does it take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.
How many Smiths fans does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because there is a light that never goes out.
How many Cure fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to brood about the moment of darkness for another four hours.
How many flute players does it to take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to bitch about how much better they would have done it.
How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
  1. No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
  2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
  3. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
How many country/folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
How many female opera singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Only one, but it takes a while for the world to revolve around her.
  2. Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear." (That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section.)
  3. One hundred. One to do it, and ninety-nine to discuss how it was really too high for her.
How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to change the bulb, and 4 to whine "It's too high!"
How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.
How many baritones does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just let the tenors do the work.
How many basses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who cares? Basses can't read music anyway!
How many classical music singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal cords. Have the bassist do it."
How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they don't get up that high.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to actually do it, and five to stand around and talk about how much better they could have done it.
How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
  2. Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.
How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
  2. None, we're too cool to change light bulbs.
  3. It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
  4. Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
  5. Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
  2. None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
  3. Light Bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
  4. "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
  5. Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.
  6. Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
  7. Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it." (With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers here.)
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Get the drummer to do it.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. They have a machine that does that now.
  2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
  3. One, but only after asking "Why?"
  4. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
  5. 10. One to change the light bulb and the other 9 to dicuss how John Bonham (or Steve Gadd or Neil Paert) would have done it !
  6. One .. Two, and a-one two three four
How many roadies/sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
  2. None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
  3. One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change a light bulb?
21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light. (Deadhead = Fan of The Grateful Dead.)
How many Dead-Heads does it take to change a light bulb?
10,001..... One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow the burnt-out one!!
How many Frank Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny.
Note: Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles)) commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead--it just smells funny."
How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
  1. Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.
  2. Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it.
  3. It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it again anyway after everybody else is done.
  4. They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
How many blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a light bulb there and the other to play harp.
How many CD player users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck
How many LP player users does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... getting stuck...
How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.
How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
  2. Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
    Note: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the first punk band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys etc.
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
  2. Two. One to change the light bulb and one to say "what's the big deal, I could have done that."
  3. Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
  4. A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing.
How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
How many mimes does it take to change a light bulb?
"..."
How many Wizard of Oz characters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because the scarecrow is too dumb to do it, the tin man doesn't have the heart, the lion is afraid he'll get electrocuted, Dorothy keeps calling, "Aunty Em!" and the wicked witch keeps screaming, "flip the damn switch!"
How many Scarlett O'Haras does it take to change a light bulb?
Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Four!... No! Two... No Three.
  2. Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.
How many Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. What do you think? (Theatre humour)
  2. Three. No, five. No, you go away - four. YES! Four! Perfect!
How many stage managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. That's not your concern. It will be done by opening night.
  2. Union rules prevent the changing of light bulbs by unskilled employees lacking the skills of lighting technicians. If they wish, a stage mangaer can request that the production manager hires a lighting designer. This designer can make plans for the overall appearance of the light. Having done this, the designer must consult with the stage manager and the production manager to confirm both the practical and the financial position of the company. Given the process is viable, the lighting designer can consult the director as to the artistic elements of the aforesaid project. Given approval at all these steps, the lighting designer and the production manager can carry out an interview process. The lighting technician who is hired can then check process viability, before requesting a cheque from the production manager. The lighting technician can then purchase a light bulb from the furthest but cheapest lighting supplier, preferably Electric Sunshine Lighting in Sydney Australia. Upon arrival, the light bulb can be checked by the technician and he can request that the stage manager helps him with the ladder while he changes the light bulb in the men's toilet at the Fringe Club Theatre in Hong Kong.
How many lighting designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's not my job.
How many theater electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Lamp! It's a goddamned lamp!
  2. One to get the ladder, one to take out the old lamp, one to throw away the old lamp, etc.
  3. One, but it's still a four hour call (union stagehands get paid four hours minimum just for walking in the door).
How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why do we have to change it?"
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end.
How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
  2. Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Bathtub full of powertools.
  2. Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
  3. Fish.
  4. Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window. (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of "No, it's a fish !")
How many fish does it take to change a light bulb?
surrealist.
How many performance artists does it take to change a light bulb?
2. One to change the light bulb and the other to put the power tools into the bathtub filled with green Jell-O.
How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old could've done that!"
How many fine artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.
How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
How many football managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
How many soccer players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the light bulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
  2. 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
How many Italian soccer referees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. Putting in a working bulb would expose the yellow streak down his back.
  2. None. He'll never see the light about that offside goal anyway.
Note: Reference to the Final of the European Championship this year (1996) when the Italian referee failed to disallow a blatantly offside goal by Germany against the Czech Republic for fear of upsetting the German fans. He would be well advised not to holiday in Prague.
How many baseball owners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they like being in the dark ages.
How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
How many American college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
  2. Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. (or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support for it) Note: The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the supposed best overall college football player each season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer was formerly the University of Oklahoma football coach, one of the winningest ever. The joke relates to the fact that the school's publicity department has as much, if not more, to do with getting the Heisman than the player's actual ability.
    (Commentary from another American! Not exactly... OU has had a few Heisman trophy winners, but only one of them when Switzer was head coach (thus the joke's really not that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody Hayes, former head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo Schembechler, former Michigan head coach, it might be more humorous.)
How many Kentucky football players does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he gets only 1 hour credit for it, fumbles it completely, and all of UK fans groan about it for the entire semester. Meanwhile UK basketball players change lightbulbs sucessfully, get 6 credits for it plus a car, money, and the fans go wild.
How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
How many people at an American football match does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.
How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any over-the-top sports fans who pay way way too much attention to minutia surrounding "their" team) does it take to change a light bulb?
A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and make the world revolve around it.
How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a light bulb?
One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up. (also Buffalo Bills)
(Commentary from an American: Oh, please <groan> :-). I live in Buffalo, so it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to recent Super Bowls. The Broncos have been to four Super Bowls, and lost three by huge margins-"blowouts". Likewise the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the last three straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.)
31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! Brian.
How many American wrestlers does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
  2. 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
How many body builders does it take to change a light bulb?
6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles!"
How many martial artists does it take to change a light bulb?
100. One to screw in the light bulb and 99 to say "Our style has that technique, too, but we do it a little different."
How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, and you should've seen the light bulb! It must have been this big! (Gestures with arms...) Five of us were barely enough!
How many chess computers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to remove the light bulb by capturing it en passant, one to put the new one in by taking back the move whereby the old one was unscrewed, one to go snatching some pawns while all this action takes place on the other side of the board, and one to flash its lights, make lots of noise, and announce out of the blue that it has found a forced mate in seven.
How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. None. They are too "Short".
  2. 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.
How many people does it take to change a light bulb for Bobby Fischer?
Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.
How many ping pong players does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to complain that it's "table tennis" not "ping pong", one to change the light bulb, one to protest about the type of glue he used to fix the light bulb into place, and one to get out his copy of the "Bats 'R' Us" catalogue and point out that he could have bought an even better one for 50p less.
How many scrabble players does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.
How does Ozzy Osbourne change a light bulb?
First he bites off the old one.
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
Two kids are bragging:
Kid 1:
My mom knows how to eat light bulbs!
Kid 2:
Oh, yeah! Sez who?
Kid 1:
Really! At night I hear her tell Daddy: "Turn out the light, and I'll eat it!"
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible, and don't ask what they do with the old bulb.
How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
  2. Just one, but it takes the whole emergency room staff at the hospital to remove it.
How many w***ers does it take to change a light bulb ?
They can't. They just move it backwards and forwards, faster and faster, until it fuses.
How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in San Francisco?
Both of them.
How many hairdressers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two; one to change the bulb, the other to say 'Wow, that looks fabulous Gary!'
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
  2. Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb, honey, let's talk about the shade !
  3. Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room staff to remove it!
  4. Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.
  5. Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"
How many gay rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
  2. Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynaecologist.
  3. Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
  4. Sixty-nine.
How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
  2. It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with other men.
  3. Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.
How many tight gits does it take to change a light bulb ?
Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after all these technical advances, a light bulb still only lasts 1000 hours.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
  2. None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
  3. None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.
How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - but he has to wait until the light is better.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
  2. None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
There is nothing to change.
How may Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that:
    • This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps,
    • There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality,
    • We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference, and
    • We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential.
    A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a single candle instead of cursing the darkness.
  2. None. We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
How may Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Unitarian Universalists don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in sleeping bags!
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. One, and thirty natives to see the light.
  2. 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no lights in the thirteenth century.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. Mu.
  2. A tree in a golden forest.
  3. None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
  4. None. Zen masters carry their own light.
  5. Is the room dark if there's nobody there?
  6. Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
  7. One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
  8. Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  1. None. They're never in the dark.
  2. None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
  3. None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway. Note: Many icons and other religious artworks describe christian saints and biblical figures glowing with light.
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.
How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"
How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
Note: PUJA is a religious ceremony.
How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for Salman Rushdie in the dark.
How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
  1. 5 to form a community and the rest of the church to vote on it.
  2. At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole. [Could also be Methodists.]
How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely burned out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring the bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
    How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
  • Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting polich.
    How many Church of Christ members does it take to change a light bulb?
  • They do not use light bulbs because there is no evidence of their use in the New Testament.
    How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
    1. Doesn't matter as long as it is done decently and in order.
    2. None, God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
    How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words "Hare Krishna."
    How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    1. None, they provide their own illumination.
    2. Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.
    How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, the hands are already in the air.
    How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
    Ten, one to change it and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
    How many Anglicans does it take to change a light bulb?
    Eight, one to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
    How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
    Twenty-two. One to change the bulb, six to carry the bulb down the aisle in the procession, and fifteen boys in the choir.
    How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    1. Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's against the will of God.
    2. Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
    3. What's a light bulb?
    Note: The Amish are a people, also known as the "Pennsylvania Dutch", who mostly (though not exclusively) live in southeastern Pennsylvania and are noted for their religion. They adhere to a strict code of living that forbids using such modern conveniences as electricity and automobiles, and indeed often look and act as if they were time travelers from the early nineteenth century (they drive around in horse and buggy carts). They are descended from German Protestant immigrants of that time (hence the "Dutch" as the immigration people misunderstood "Deutsch", the answer they gave for nationality). Their quaint lifestyle draws many people to SE PA every year, where they often have a chance to sample their sweet pies and cakes. Hence the joke.
    How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    1. They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent for lightbulb changing.
    2. None, they use candles.
    3. Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
    4. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
    How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
    How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
    1. Thirteen, one to change the bulb, and a committee of twelve to talk about how they miss the old one.
    2. None. Lutherans don't believe in change
    How many creationists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. They'll all just sit in the dark and wait for God to say "Let there be light!"
    How many angels can dance on a light bulb?
    It depends on the dance step.
    How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    1. Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.
    2. Five, one man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
    How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be replacing the whole house real soon, though nobody knows quite when.
    How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.
    How many zionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Four - one to stay home and try to convinve someone else to do it, a second to donate the bulb, a third to screw it in and another to proclaim that the whole Jewish nation stands behind their actions.
    How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
    How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real bright !
    How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
    How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a woman. Notes on the previous 3: Chassidim (pronounced "hass-ee-deem"-it's Hebrew) are an orthodox Jewish sect. The jokes above refer to various further subsects and their peculiarities. The Lubavitchers, the most prevalent, are known for their belief that the Mossiach (Messiah) will be coming along soon. The Bratzlaver joke refers to the fact that they all revered their founder, the Rabbi Nachman, and since he died they haven't really replaced him, as nobody in the group feels capable of filling his shoes. The Satmar are very strict in their adherence to the sex-role distinctions prescribed by the Bible-in one area, they've been fighting with local authorities about school busing, because they believe that women should not be allowed to drive, and the school system employs a lot of women as bus drivers.
    How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
    "That's alright. I'll sit in the dark."
    How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
    (cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
    1. None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out enjoying yourselves.....
    2. None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't be bothered to do a simple thing like change a light bulb for them, and after all they've done for you...
    3. Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her back.
    How many mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb?
    A hundred. One to change it and the other ninety nine to say, "I told you so!"
    How many divorcees does it take to change a light bulb ?
    None. The sockets all went with the house.
    Why does it take three women on PMS to change a light bulb?
    1. BECAUSE IT DOES, DAMMIT!
    2. Cos it does, RIGHT?