1. Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
2. Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
3. Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental impact statement.
4. One to do it and the other 156 to blabber to the world how they've done something better then Canadians (for once).
5. 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct.

1. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs!
2. Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
3. Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss the environmental impact.
4. Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.
5. Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.

1. Two. One to do the work and 1 to hold the umbrella.
2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
3. Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

1. What's a light bulb?
2. Man, hippies don't screw, they make love!

1. None of your fuckin' business, get outta my way!
2. Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
3. Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
4. 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
5. 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.

1. Only one, but he has to see an American do it first.
2. None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.
3. Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.
4. Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

1. Two: one to screw it in, and one to see if that's how they do it in New York.
2. Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
3. One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria.
   Note: The Walden Galleria Mall, only an hour and a half away from the Centre of the Universe and just off the Interstate in Buffalo, New York, was the Mecca of Torontonians engaging in the old Canadian tradition of cross border shopping. On a weekend the parking lot would be so full of Ontario plates you would think that you were in Canada. Of course you could not legally return to Canada with more than $25 worth of goods for an afternoon visit and so thousands of honest, polite and industrious Canadians were turned into lowlife smugglers. The classic method for smuggling clothing was "wearing it back" and so long lines of cars containing scantily and poorly dressed Canadians would patiently queue up Sunday morning to cross into New York State and a few hours later, miraculously, in the true American tradition of rags to riches, be transformed into trendy and well attired Torontonians as they returned home satiated by an intensive afternoon of power shopping with nothing to declare to Canada Customs, leaving their rags behind to grace the dumpsters of the exotic malls of Williamsburg and Cheektawoga. This all ended with the introduction of Sunday shopping in Ontario in 1992 and the steadily declining value of the Canadian dollar. Sorry I got so long winded, but Sunday in Buffalo was fun while it lasted, even if you got caught and this joke, lame as it is, brought back a lot of memories.

1. Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
2. 15. One to change the bulb, and 14 to tell him what a good batsman Geoffrey Boycott was.

1. Two. One says to the other, "Could you turn the light on in here Mick? It's so dark I can't see what I'm doing."
2. Two, one to hold the lightbulb and one to drink till the room spins.
3. 1001. One to hold the light bulb, and a thousand to push the house round.

1. Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
2. Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.
3. None. They assign the task to a gastarbeiter.

1. They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
2. None. They just hold it up and it works.

1. None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
2. One, and a lot of light bulbs.
3. Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
4. Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.

1. Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in tight circles.
2. Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.

1. One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe keeping.....
2. 8; 2 to break down the door and kill the family, 5 to loot the house, and one to change the bulb.

1. None. Australians can find beer in a dark fridge.
2. Two. One to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch the beers.
3. 16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say "Good on yer, mate!"

1. None, if it's winter. No one wants to lose their pougy (unemployment insurance).
2. 65,000 people for thirteen weeks (in the summer) then quit and go on pougy for the rest of the year!

1. Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
2. Two. One to change it, and another one to take the credit.
3. Two. One to hold a press conference to inform the public that everything possible is being done to ratify the situation while another one screws the light bulb into the water faucet.
4. Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

1. 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
2. None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

1. None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
2. Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb.

1. He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making light bulbs free.
2. None -- He'll only promise "change."
3. Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.

1. What light bulb?
   Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
2. Just one - Nancy.
   Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987

1. None, they all just quit and go home!
2. "Let me show you this chart!!"

1. None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
2. None. They assume the problem away.
3. Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
4. Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
5. None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

1. None. The invisible hand does it.
2. None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
3. None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!

1. One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
2. Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
3. None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.

1. None, they only screw the poor
2. None, they turned that responsibility over to the states.
3. Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
4. 900. 1 to change it and 899 to call Rush Limbaugh and complain about how the new one will ruin the nation.

1. None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
2. None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

1. Two, one to screw it in and the other to hang himself accidentally from the flex performing a perverse sexual act involving womens underwear.
2. I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.

1. Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
2. None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.

1. Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
2. One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

1. None, that's the proletariat's work!
2. Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!

1. Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.
2. Three: one who knows how to change it, one who knows how the light switch works and one to keep an eye on the dangerous intellectuals.

1. They don't have time. They are too busy taking pictures of themselves in their office.
2. Four. One to hold the light bulb ready, one to hold the ladder, one to set up the computer, and one to log on to this web site.

1. None. "We'll document it in the manual."
2. None. It's a hardware problem.
3. One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.

4. if (you == "Bill Gates")
           hold(light_bulb) && let_revolve_around(world, you);
   endif

5. Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
6. Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.
7. Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
8. Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
9. Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
10. It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.
11. The change is 90% complete.
12. We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?
13. Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the <insert name here> software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
14. Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

1. You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
2. Only one, but it takes him all night, and when he's done, the refrigerator and toilet don't work.
3. At least a dozen, but it's impossible to tell which one it is, because they're all pointing at each other going "That's me, over there !"

1. Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
   Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
   Note: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion. (cf computer dictionary entry: recursion - see recursion) These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as in the punchline. It could be improved:
2. (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))...

1. Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
2. Two. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
3. Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.

1. Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
2. Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.

1. Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
2. 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

1. None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
2. None - with the billions of working light bulbs in the world, your odds of being next to a burned-out one are so small it will never be a problem for you.
3. They aren't certain, everytime they do the math, they get a different number.
4. 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
5. Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
6. 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them that the light bulb is not functioning per the spec.

1. One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
2. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
3. Only about six or seven hundred, but it takes them at least two years because they have to see how the Apple Computer people are doing it first so they can steal the technique.

1. None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
2. Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
3. Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
4. Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.
5. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
6. Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.

1. As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
2. One, but first he has to determine the correct path.

1. All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that the only light bulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
2. "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to light bulb version 6.1..."

2 People  
  -  
  Preliminary discussion of concept change.
1 Person  
  -  
  Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People  
  -  
  Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People  
  -  
  Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in
                        addition to the electric utility).
1 Person  
  -  
  Maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC).
4 People  
  -  
  Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People 
  -  
  Change bulb.
5 People  
  -  
  Perform bulb functional test.
2 People  
  -  
  Perform bulb load test.
3 People  
  -  
  Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person  
  -  
  Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person  
  -  
  Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person  
  -  
  Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person  
  -  
  Interface with Utilities Commission.
1 Person  
  -  
  Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when 
                        we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?) 
                        BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People  
  -  
  Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) 
                        compatibility/architecture study.
3 People  
  -  
  Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows 
                        function (wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, 
                        flashing, flood/spot).
3 People  
  -  
  Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
                        (!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket
                        (bulb-in-one).
5 People  
  -  
  Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
                        alternative bulb socket.
10 People 
  -  
  Determine how to perform bulb change product split
                        (control - switches, dimmers; versus implementation -
                        screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person  
  -  
  Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance
                        group.
1 Person  
  -  
  Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person  
  -  
  Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
10 People 
  -  
  Answer customer BPRs.
11 People 
  -  
  Football team to challenge bulb changers.

1. Only one, but first they have to rewire the entire building.
2. Two - one to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.

1. None. They think it will grow back on its own.
2. One, but he uses a chainsaw.
3. They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
   Note: This is based on recent successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.

1. Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
2. Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

1. None. It turned itself in.
2. None, it fell down the stairs, sir.
3. Just one, but he is never around when you need him.

1. Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
2. Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
3. Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.
4. One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
5. Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
6. Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes screwing it up.
7. None, we contract out for things like that.

1. None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
2. One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
3. One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
4. In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:

   How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

   One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

   In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.
   If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.
   Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
   Bibliography:
   [1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986

1. This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
2. Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
3. One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
   Note: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students' exam answers, it depends on whether the light bulb is negatively or positively screwed.

1. If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
2. If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
3. The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.

1. Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
2. None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
3. One if at home, but on school time, four.
4. On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.

1. Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
2. Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

1. Only one; but every time they see a light bulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!
2. One - if you can find him (or her)!

1. None. That's what research students are for.
2. Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

1. That depends on whether it has health insurance.
2. Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
3. None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
4. None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
5. None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
6. Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

1. None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
2. Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.

1. Never let a chiropractor change a light bulb! They always twist it until it pops!
2. Only one, but it takes nine visits.

1. Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
2. Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one. Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department. Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case. Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole. Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts needed. He goes to scene of faulty light bulb. He fits bulb or discovers he cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go into department's workload report.
   (Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.)

1. None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
2. Just one, but the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
3. How long have you been having this phantasy?
4. How many do you think it takes?

1. MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
2. Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
3. 24 1/8, but that's down 3/8 from yesterday.

1. What kind of answer did you have in mind?
2. None-just assume it's changed.

1. How many can you afford?
2. It depends on how much of the building needs to be rewired.
3. I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
4. I can't possibly answer that question without a full study of the problem.
5. We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

1. None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.
2. None. "Who needs lights?"
3. That depends. If it's a red light, they'll all fight over it, otherwise you'd have a better chance getting them to change a $20.

1. How many can you afford?
2. None, lawyers only screw us.
3. Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
4. None, lawyers prefer to keep their clients in the dark.
5. That depends... how many do you want it to take?
6. None, he'll have the paralegal do it. But, you'll get the following bill:

   
        Item                          
     Light bulb
          Charge                           
   $2185
          (Itemization of bill charges)
            Lawyer's time (1 hr. minimum)  
   $ 400
            Connectivity charge            
   $ 100
            Staff charge                   
   $ 250
            Secretary prepared bill        
   $   2
            Research fee                   
   $ 422
            Consulting fee                 
   $ 431
            Paralegal processing fees      
   $  25
            Specialized equipment          
   $ 122
            Bought bulb                    
   $   5
            Overnight express delivery     
   $  34
            Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge      
   $ 394
   

7. It only takes one to change your bulb to his bulb.
8. Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection !"
9. Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.
10. Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
11. Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. (another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.)

1. That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
2. Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
3. Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.

1. Depends on what you want to change it into.
2. Just one, but pretty soon they're all doing it.
   Note: This joke is funny in magic circles, and is based on the fact that magicians are quick to steal material from each other.

1. Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!
2. Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!

1. Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've done that !"
2. 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.

1. Six. One to change it, and five to stand around saying "Heeey! I could do that!"

1. No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
2. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
3. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

1. Only one, but it takes a while for the world to revolve around her.
2. Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear." (That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section.)
3. One hundred. One to do it, and ninety-nine to discuss how it was really too high for her.

1. Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
2. Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.

1. None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
2. None, we're too cool to change light bulbs.
3. It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
4. Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
5. Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.

1. One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
2. None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
3. Light Bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
4. "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
5. Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.
6. Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
7. Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it." (With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers here.)

1. None. They have a machine that does that now.
2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
3. One, but only after asking "Why?"
4. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
5. 10. One to change the light bulb and the other 9 to dicuss how John Bonham (or Steve Gadd or Neil Paert) would have done it !
6. One .. Two, and a-one two three four

1. One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
2. None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
3. One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.

1. Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.
2. Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it.
3. It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it again anyway after everybody else is done.
4. They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.

1. Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
2. Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
   Note: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the first punk band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys etc.

1. Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
2. Two. One to change the light bulb and one to say "what's the big deal, I could have done that."
3. Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb, eight to stand around grumbling "That should be ME up there."
4. A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing.

1. Four!... No! Two... No Three.
2. Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.

1. What do you think? (Theatre humour)
2. Three. No, five. No, you go away - four. YES! Four! Perfect!

1. That's not your concern. It will be done by opening night.
2. Union rules prevent the changing of light bulbs by unskilled employees lacking the skills of lighting technicians. If they wish, a stage mangaer can request that the production manager hires a lighting designer. This designer can make plans for the overall appearance of the light. Having done this, the designer must consult with the stage manager and the production manager to confirm both the practical and the financial position of the company. Given the process is viable, the lighting designer can consult the director as to the artistic elements of the aforesaid project. Given approval at all these steps, the lighting designer and the production manager can carry out an interview process. The lighting technician who is hired can then check process viability, before requesting a cheque from the production manager. The lighting technician can then purchase a light bulb from the furthest but cheapest lighting supplier, preferably Electric Sunshine Lighting in Sydney Australia. Upon arrival, the light bulb can be checked by the technician and he can request that the stage manager helps him with the ladder while he changes the light bulb in the men's toilet at the Fringe Club Theatre in Hong Kong.

1. Lamp! It's a goddamned lamp!
2. One to get the ladder, one to take out the old lamp, one to throw away the old lamp, etc.
3. One, but it's still a four hour call (union stagehands get paid four hours minimum just for walking in the door).

1. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
2. Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

1. Bathtub full of powertools.
2. Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
3. Fish.
4. Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window. (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of "No, it's a fish !")

1. Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snatch the light bulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
2. 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.

1. None. Putting in a working bulb would expose the yellow streak down his back.
2. None. He'll never see the light about that offside goal anyway.

1. The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
2. Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it. (or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support for it) Note: The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the supposed best overall college football player each season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer was formerly the University of Oklahoma football coach, one of the winningest ever. The joke relates to the fact that the school's publicity department has as much, if not more, to do with getting the Heisman than the player's actual ability.
   (Commentary from another American! Not exactly... OU has had a few Heisman trophy winners, but only one of them when Switzer was head coach (thus the joke's really not that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody Hayes, former head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo Schembechler, former Michigan head coach, it might be more humorous.)

1. Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
2. 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.

1. None. They are too "Short".
2. 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.

Kid 1:

My mom knows how to eat light bulbs!

Kid 2:

Oh, yeah! Sez who?

Kid 1:

Really! At night I hear her tell Daddy: "Turn out the light, and I'll eat it!"

1. GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
2. Just one, but it takes the whole emergency room staff at the hospital to remove it.

1. None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
2. Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb, honey, let's talk about the shade !
3. Only one, but it takes the entire emergency room staff to remove it!
4. Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.
5. Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"

1. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
2. Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynaecologist.
3. Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
4. Sixty-nine.

1. First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
2. It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with other men.
3. Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.

1. None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
2. None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.
3. None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.

1. None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
2. None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.

1. Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that:
   • This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps,
   • There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality,
   • We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference, and
   • We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential.
   A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a single candle instead of cursing the darkness.
2. None. We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

1. One, and thirty natives to see the light.
2. 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.

1. Mu.
2. A tree in a golden forest.
3. None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
4. None. Zen masters carry their own light.
5. Is the room dark if there's nobody there?
6. Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
7. One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
8. Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.

1. None. They're never in the dark.
2. None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
3. None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they?

1. 5 to form a community and the rest of the church to vote on it.
2. At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole. [Could also be Methodists.]